Growing up I was always a little different from the other kids. I had a hard time making friends, except for a select few. I was bullied in school and even gained the reputation of “Captain Annoyance” from one of my former best friends. As I got older, it became harder and harder for me to make genuine friends. No matter how hard I tried I
somehow could manage to fuck something up and ruin everything.
I hated myself deeply. Like why couldn’t I just be like the rest of everybody in my small town, at least until after graduation? I dreaded going to school, if I could find a way to skip, I did it. I never did my classwork or tests; I had a GPA of 0.8 my sophomore year. I felt as if I was drowning and couldn’t understand anything that the teachers were saying. Therefore, I started acting out in class and became a nuisance child. Getting write ups every other day, lunch detention almost every day. I started drinking, smoking, and partying. Stuff I am not proud of today, but it made me who I am now.
When my mom bought a new house in California, she immediately shut her business down and moved away due to the toxicity that my parent’s relationship had formed over the course of my growing up. I lived with my dad partially and some friends for the following school year so that I could transfer schools and hopefully start anew. Shortly after the new school year started, I was put on Ritalin for my new diagnosis of ADHD, and therapy for anxiety and depression. Well, soon enough I managed to fuck things up again with my friend group and lost almost all my friends.
I ended that year with a failed suicide attempt by overdosing on about 3,500mg of Ritalin and prescription ibuprofen. I felt as if I just couldn't be here anymore. What was the meaning of living? All I could manage to do was make things worse. My dad ended up rushing me to the hospital after finding me convulsing on my bedroom floor. When the doctor came to my room to ask me about my options, I knew that I didn’t want to be admitted to a psychiatric care, so I decided to move with my mom to California.
I started a new life again, but this time it was actually fabulous. I made quite a bit of friends, was on the honor roll, and even received awards in some of my classes! It is kind of amazing the difference that school's have to make every student feel included, when they provide advanced resources and hundreds of kids. Making it to graduation day was such an experience that I never saw myself achieving, so this was such a bittersweet moment for me. I was proud of myself because even when I didn’t even feel like living and I had to start over multiple times, I never thought I was worth even the simplest of achievements.
Life is worth fighting for especially when It doesn't feel like it. Anyone out there feeling this same way getting through high school, please understand that it does get better after graduation. It could be the worst 4 years, but I promise it is worth getting through. Or even if you are an adult who is trying to cope with these extremes; there is so much more to life that is to be discovered by you, and only you hold the most potential! We are not alone, please reach out for help.
Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255